The Search Engine Question Pool

What is This Blog All About?

2009-10-31T20:36:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, my search traffic makes me crazy. It's sort of like someone popped his or her head into my office, asked a question, and then was called away before I could answer...and I never saw him again. Sometimes, the questions are inane: I often get variations on "What's wrong with SpongeBob?" I don't actually have the answer to that, though I have been known to identify the odd Bikini Bottom logical dilemma now and then. I also get a fair amount of traffic on questions like, "Where are the bees?" and "What's wrong with the bees?" I can't answer those questions, though sometimes they're entertaining.

I also get search traffic, though, on questions I CAN answer...if only those search stats would leave me a phone number or email address! I know the answer to "how bad is it to get married outside the Catholic church?" and "what is the easiest state to get married in?" I even have a viable theory on "what's wrong with Cinderella?" But I didn't answer those questions on my blogs, and I don't know where to send the response card.

This blog will consist ENTIRELY of posts responsive to the search traffic on my other blogs. I can't promise to answer all the questions, though I will endeavor to answer those that seem to require serious answers. I'll also share some of the crazy ones and open some up to the floor for debate or suggestions. I think it's going to be fun. Educational sometimes, but always fun.

Should a Teen Girl Wear a Push-Up Bra?

2009-10-01T20:20:00.000-07:00

As I often do when a question relates to teens or tweens, I asked my 8th grade daughter whether she wanted to weigh in on this one.

Her first reaction was a face that I wish desperately that I could duplicate here. It really did say it all.

But then, as if she sensed that the readers at home wouldn't be able to see her very telling facial expression, she gave voice to her response: "Why would you even have to search that?"

I'm inclined to agree with her, but if you DO think you need to search that, you might want to check out When Tweens Dress Like Tramps.

Do You Have Free Speech on Message Boards?

2009-09-20T19:43:00.000-07:00

In a word, no.

For a full explanation of what the Constitutional amendment regarding freedom of speech does and does not protect, read: Freedom of Speech - Let Me Tell You What It's Not

In a nutshell, the 1st Amendment (like the rest of the Bill of Rights) places limitations on governmental action...and governmental action only.

There is a lot of confusion over this issue, and people on message boards often complain that moderators who remove their comments (or even other participants on the message board who simply complain about others' comments) are somehow interfering with their free speech rights. Unless the moderator or other member is acting under color of law, as a representative of some branch of government, that's simply not possible.

With very few limited exceptions, the private owner of a website, blog, forum, etc. can set any limits he or she likes, and delete any comment he or she likes.

Should I Self-Publish Fiction?

2009-08-01T22:03:00.000-07:00

Almost certainly not.

Before I elaborate, let me be clear: In the writing world there is a sharp division between those who believe self-publishing is a good idea and those who don't. I fall into the former category. That is, I am a fan of self-publishing, and even have some very profitable experience with it myself.

That said, I think that for nearly everyone, self-publishing fiction is a bad idea.

I discussed some of the reasons that self-publishing fiction doesn't usually work out in this post on my writing blog: Self-Publishing Fiction

There's also some useful information to be had from Moira Allen in this Self-Publishing FAQ. This piece is from 2001, which is roughly a thousand years in self-publishing technology, so some of the specifics here are outdated. However, the general overview of the pros, cons and pitfalls holds up.

Here are a few of the primary concerns in a nutshell:

-It's extremely difficult, if not impossible, to be price-competitive with a self-published fiction book

-Distribution channels are much more limited--some of the major bookstore chains simply won't consider carrying books published through some of the most common presses for "self-published" fiction

-Marketing a book is a full-time job

-Most of the effectively strategies for marketing a self-published book involve expertise or making a "name" in a niche area, conducting relevant workshops and presentations, publishing related articles, etc.--and those techniques apply almost exclusively to non-fiction works

Just a few key things to think about; there are definitely more.

Should I Give My Fourteen Year Old Birth Control?

2009-06-13T23:16:00.000-07:00

No.

Can You Die from Rape?

2009-06-13T20:49:00.001-07:00

Yes.

Of course, most rape victims don't die, but it can certainly happen.

Some rape victims are actively murdered by their assailants.

Others sustain injuries during the rape that prove fatal.

Still others contract diseases from their attackers.

Anyone who has been sexually assaulted should seek medical attention.

Can You Get Pregnant in a Pool?

2009-06-13T20:12:00.000-07:00

My daughter thought this question belonged on What's Wrong Around Us?. But, in addition to this being the place where I answer odd questions that pop up in my stats, this one actually landed to this blog.

Naturally, I have to begin by saying, "Well, that depends on what you mean by that."

(Does it seem like I say that on this blog a lot?)

If you're talking about that old myth/fear/excuse about random sperm floating around in a public swimming pool and impregnating innocent and usually virginal swimmers, that would be a firm "no".

If, on the other hand, you're hoping that something about the water or chlorine or other chemicals is going to act as birth control if you have sex in a swimming pool, that's ALSO a big old "no".

Two Guys Walk Into a Bar, and the Third One Ducks

2008-12-31T17:55:00.000-08:00

I'm breaking protocol tonight.

When I started this blog, I resolved only to post responses to exact quotes that appeared in my search stats in the form of a question. And, while the phrase above appears often in my search stats, I've never seen it in the form of a question. I decided to break the rule and post about it anyway, because I'm convinced that it's intended as a question. Here's why: That's the whole joke. It makes sense for ONE LINE of a joke to appear in search stats...maybe someone couldn't remember exactly how it went, or needed to find out the punch line. But in the case of "Two guys walk into a bar, and the third one ducks", that's all she wrote. There is no more. It's the set-up and the punchline all rolled into one...so what could a person who Googled the WHOLE JOKE be looking for?

Finally, after dozens of people had arrived at one of my blogs by Googling this joke in its entirety, I decided that they were looking for an explanation.

So here it is. (Be warned, I am no artist. There is a reason I deal so exclusively in words. Still, I think that if in fact you're sitting there scratching your head over "two guys walk into a bar and the third one ducks", this will clear it up for you.)

Is Patrick Stewart a Good Kisser?

2008-10-19T10:23:00.000-07:00

Dude.

Before I even tackle this one, I've gotta know: Why do you ask?

Because--and I've got to be honest here, even though it might be painful--the odds that you're going to be kissing Patrick Stewart are pretty damned slim. Unless, of course, you're personally acquainted with Patrick Stewart, in which case it's kind of weird that you're looking for the answer to this question on the Internet. Or you're not talking about the Patrick Stewart of Star Trek fame, but some other Patrick Stewart who is (just for example) a community college student in Iowa. If that's the case, there's probably a better chance that this information might be pertinent to you, but there's almost no chance that you're going to find the answer on the Internet.

So here's my advice:

If you know Patrick Stewart (whether we're talking about the star to stage and screen or the community college student or someone I haven't even thought to mention) and you're sitting around wondering whether or not he's a good kisser....check it out. Unless, of course, he's married. Or you are. If that's the case, stop wondering at once.

If you're not in a position to find out the answer for yourself, there is no answer. None. Because, you see, "good" is a subjective term. Good kissing is a joint effort. What you're really asking is, "Would I like the way Patrick Stewart kisses?" And really....how in the heck would we know?

Do Parents Have an Impact on Tweens?

2008-09-16T20:52:00.000-07:00

Yes.

We're a major annoyance to them.

Which Amendment Tells About Freedom of Speech?

2008-08-22T20:16:00.001-07:00

That would be the 1st Amendment, which is also the amendment that covers freedom of religion and freedom of assembly. It's packed with protections, for such a brief little provision.

I've previously discussed the right to free speech in another post, so I won't go into a lot of detail here. However, here is the full text of the 1st Amendment to the U.S. Constitution:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

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What Do Spongebob's Nuts Look Like?

2008-08-22T20:02:00.000-07:00

I must admit, I almost didn't answer this one.

It wasn't just that I was a little afraid of the person who might be seeking such information, though that was certainly a factor.

Mostly, though, I was just afraid that I'd...you know...find out the answer.

I've never really thought of Spongebob that way.

I couldn't bring myself to look.

Fortunately, I have an unofficial research assistant in the form of humor writer Barb Cooper. Barb's married, so she wasn't afraid to look.

She got right back to me with good news: He doesn't have any.

I'm not 100% confident, though. After all, THIS sponge doesn't have eyes, either. Or arms. Or feet. Or a nose. I guess anything is possible.

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What Do Tweens Like?

2008-08-17T09:35:00.000-07:00

This is obviously a trick question. First, what any given tween likes will differ radically from what another tween likes, despite apparent similarities in age, interest and background. Except, of course, with regard to the Jonas Brothers
. That's pretty consistent.

Beyond that, what one specific tween likes will vary wildly from one moment to the next, without notice. As parents, we are expected to discern these internal and unspoken changes and adapt on the fly, so that we don't inadvertantly suggest a CD or television show that, while cherished at 11:02 a.m., is totally embarrassing at 11:13. Except, of course, with regard to the Jonas Brothers. They're pretty consistent.

There is one area (besides the Jonas Brothers) in which we can safely predict what a tween will like: anything we think is too old or inappropriate for her. This includes R-rated movies, particularly those of the gruesome horror variety or the extremely risque ones. Note that it makes little difference whether your tween actually enjoys such movies, or even whether she'll be sitting up all night staring at the shadows on the wall and wishing she still had her teddy bear in bed with her--whatever carries the teenage aura is coveted, no matter what she's really interested in deep down in her heart and mind.

The same goes for trashy clothing. No matter that it's uncomfortable and often unflattering. It's a Sign of Growing Up.

Good news, though. The tween phase doesn't last, and the one upside to the acceleration of all these teen-angst issues is that they're out of the way sooner, too.

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If Prostitution Was Legal, Would There Still be Rape?

2008-07-27T19:49:00.001-07:00

Yep.

No question.

You see, rape--or at least, some rape--isn't about sex at all. It's about violence, power, control, force, anger...things that aren't as easily satisfied by renting someone's body for the evening as mere sexual frustration might be.

Here is some more in-depth information about the causes of rape: Causes of Rape

Some will argue that all rape is about violence rather than sex, but I do not believe that research or statistics bear that out. Changing culture over the past few decades has brought about a higher incidence of the type of rape commonly described as "date rape" and a greater likelihood of rape being reported, and with that new information new layers of complexity have appeared.

In any case, it's clear that the rapes that are motivated by violence toward women will not be eliminated by making sex more readily available through legalization of prostitution.

Even where it is about sex, or partially about sex, it's often about SPECIFIC sex (in particular, sex that a rapist feels was in some way "promised" and then not delivered); thus, the availability of an alternative would likely have little or no impact on the in-the-moment reaction.

Further, it is worth noting that in today's society, sex IS fairly readily available. Many accused rapists are young, attractive, well-to-do, and not at all likely to be unable to find sexual release without force. Thus, if it were simply a matter of providing an easily accessible alternative, the problem of rape would largedly have been solved by cultural evolution over the past few decades.

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I Don't Like Birth Control What's My Other Alternatives?

2008-07-21T16:19:00.000-07:00

Taking your question literally, you really only have two choices: you can refrain from having sex, or you can have children. Of course, you may be sterile, or beyond childbearing years, or just extraordinarily lucky, but for the most part, those are the options.

That's so obvious, though, that I have to suspect that you don't really mean exactly what you wrote. I'm going to go out on a limb a little and assume that what you meant was that you don't like birth control pills, or hormonal birth control. That's a wise sentiment. Hormonal birth control is safer than it used to be, which unfortunately leads many people to believe that it's safer that it is and to overlook the potentially serious side effects of birth control pills and other hormonal birth control.

So, assuming that what you're looking for is actually an alternative form of birth control, there is a lot of information about various forms of birth control available on the web.

However, each has its own downsides. Some forms of contraception are less effective than others, and none are foolproof. Some carry risks of infection, some require fitting (or even insertion) by a medical professional. Some are just plain messy and/or inconvenient.

Therefore, the best answer to this question (aside from the prospect of a charming baby, of course--I'm pretty crazy about mine) is to talk to your doctor about the birth control options available to you and the pros, cons, and risks associated with each type of contraceptive.

Unless, of course, you're in middle school (or the parent of a middleschooler). Then, read this: Birth Control for Middle Schoolers? I Think We're Missing the Point

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What Size Doggie Door Do I Need for a German Shepherd?

2008-07-16T19:52:00.000-07:00

It turns out you have to measure him.

Here is some advice on how to determine what size doggie door you need: Measuring Your Pet.

You might think that measuring your pet for a doggie door would be pretty straightforward, but it turns out that apparently you don't actually need an opening as big as your dog. That's good news, too, because my first thought when I read this question was that any doggie door that was cut to fit a German Shepherd would also fit a small to average burglar quite nicely.

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Can You Get Pregnant From Rape?

2008-07-16T19:45:00.000-07:00

For obvious reasons, this one alarmed me.

Yes. Absolutely. Sex is sex, and whether it's voluntary or not if semen enters the vagina, you can get pregnant.

Of course, physical and emotional trauma can also impact your hormone production and throw off your menstrual cycle.

Bottom line: See a doctor. Please. Right away.

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How Does Tiffany Know the Jonas Brothers?

2008-07-12T20:38:00.001-07:00

I don't.

Really.

However, I'm going to guess that the person who asked this question didn't mean me.

My first thought was that the question referred to 80s singer Tiffany, because she's the only Tiffany I recall having gone by only her first name.

I suggested that to my daughter, and she said, "Who is Tiffany?" She's 12 and dead center for the Jonas Brothers demographic, so I had to rethink that. In fact, I couldn't come up with another possibility (still really sure they didn't mean me), so I did some Googling myself.

I came to the conclusion that the question related to singer Tiffany Giardina. My daughter hadn't heard of her either, and she was a little edgy about that fact, but it turned out that her music wasn't bad, and she's got a little video on her MySpace page in which Kevin Jonas calls her "our best friend". I suspect a slight exaggeration, but her bio says that she grew up with the Jonas Brothers (there's your answer, if that's what you're looking for).

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What Does Reality Really Mean?

2008-07-12T20:23:00.002-07:00

About the same time, I also got "What's really real?" and "What does reality mean to you?"

Honestly, I'm baffled by the idea that the answer to this question is somehow subjected. I'm baffled by the idea that people sit around speculating about whether what they're experiencing is really more real or really less real than other potential realities occurring in their minds or parallel universes or as hypothetical futures.

Look around. Those dirty dishes waiting for you are real. So is the fact that it's entirely within your power to change the fact that there are dirty dishes waiting for you. The sun shining down on you is real, the taste of that peach you just pulled off a tree is real, your relationships are real (even though they may not be exactly what you think they are).

We don't have our own personal, individualized realities. What you see is what there is. Live in it. It's really not so bad.

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The Sun Also Rises What's Wrong with Jake?

2008-07-12T20:23:00.001-07:00

I'm going to assume that the question is intended literally. There are a number of arguments possible as to what might be "wrong with Jake" psychologically or as a character, but I'm guessing the question here is about Jake's war wound.

We're never told exactly what's wrong with Jake; the only thing we know is that his war injury makes it impossible for him to consummate a relationship with Brett. Direct information about the nature and extent of the injury is very limited, but this probably isn't merely a matter of delicacy. Much of Hemingway's best work is characterized by a bare-bones approach that requires some work on the reader's part, and The Sun Also Rises is perhaps the best novel-length example of that technique.

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What is mean the free writing?

2008-03-29T20:02:00.000-07:00

Free writing is an excercise that involves writing for a fixed period of time. It's called "free writing" because the exercise is intended to help the creative juices flow by eliminating concerns about what to write, grammatical perfection and other inhibiting factors. The key to free writing is to simply keep writing, even if you have no idea what to write--even if you have to write that you aren't really comfortable free writing and don't feel like you have anything to say. Keep the pen moving across the paper.

In some cases, you'll be surprised by the gem or two you find hidden in your free writing or you'll ramble your way into the beginning of something worth continuing later. But don't worry about those things; if you're aiming for them, then it won't be free writing at all.

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I'm a Divorced Catholic, Can I Go to Church?

2008-03-29T19:57:00.000-07:00

Yes. Please do.

First things first: you can ALWAYS go to church! Always.

There are circumstances under which you may not be able to take communion. If, for instance, your marriage was invalid and you haven't been to confession, or if you have remarried outside the church. It would be best to consult a priest before receiving communion. But go to church.

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What Song Does Rick Springfield Sing on General Hospital?

2008-03-09T12:08:00.001-07:00

The name of the song is "Who Killed Rock-n-Roll?", and a video clip of the performance is available on YouTube.

Rick Springfield fans might not agree with this assessment, but it was a questionable choice under the circumstances. The song is part of a CD scheduled to be released later this year, and thus unknown to General Hospital fans and Rick Springfield fans from the 80s who haven't kept up with the rocker.

While it made sense with the story line (Springfield was doing double duty as his character from the 80s, Dr. Noah Drake, and an Australian rock star named Eli Love) that the song performed shouldn't be recognizably Rick Springfield, those who clamored to no avail to hear Springfield sing on General Hospital the first time around were undoubtedly looking for one of his hits.

To Springfield's credit, he declined to perform on the show in the 80s--at the height of his dual popularity as soap star and chart-topping Grammy winner--because it was inconsistent with his physician character. It took a look-alike character to bring Springfield to the stage on GH, and while the storyline might have been a bit of a stretch, it was fairly standard soap opera fare and did address Springfield's long-standing concern.

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Is It Bad to Stop Taking Birth Control in the Middle?

2008-03-09T10:22:00.000-07:00

That depends.

In the middle of what?

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How Big is My Dryer?

2008-02-17T11:58:00.000-08:00

Honestly, I don't know. I might be able to make an educated guess if you'd given a little more information, or maybe left a photograph, because I recently did some shopping for washers and dryers. With nothing but the question to go on, though, this one is wide open.

Fortunately, though, this is an easy question to answer. The manufacturer's website will provide both information about the capacity of your dryer and about the external dimensions. So, whether you're looking for information about where you can fit the dryer or what you can fit IN the dryer, that information is readily available.

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What's Wrong With Constitutional Amendments?

2008-02-13T17:10:00.001-08:00

Nothing, when they're used properly.

But as long as you asked, here's the problem that has frequently arisen with regard to Constitutional amendments in recent years. The United States Constitution was never intended to be a source of substantive law. The Constitution itself, pre-amendments, created a system of government and defined the roles of each branch and the relationship between the federal government and the states. That's what it was for.

The first ten amendments to the Constitution placed limitations on governmental power to restrict individuals.

Over time, other amendments were added. Many of the amendments following the original ten relate to voting rights and procedures. Only two amendments ever addressed substantive issue. The first was the 13th amendment, which abolished slavery within the United States. Frankly, I think the 13th amendment is a little dicey as written, but there are some justifications for it. The amendment effectively repealed a portion of Article IV of the Consitution, which addressed the interaction of slave states and free states. More importantly the amendment, though worded substantively, actually continued in the spirit of the original ten amendments by placing a limitation on the ability of states to deny individual rights and freedoms by sanctioning slavery.

The other piece of substantive legislation slipped into the Constitution was, of course, the 18th amendment, commonly known as "Prohibition". The 18th amendment was repealed by the 21st amendment, which in and of itself should give us pause. In the more than 200 years since the Constitution was written, there have been only 27 amendments...and we've used two of them to outlaw alcohol and then change our minds.

History gives us a lot of reasons to doubt the wisdom of Prohibition, and those reasons are often applied in other contexts today, particularly to the issue of legalization of various other drugs. The truth of the matter is, though, that the biggest problem with Prohibition had nothing to do with whether or not alcohol should be legal. The biggest problem with Prohibition is that people with an agenda used the Constitution to make substantive law--and that's not what the Constitution is for. It wasn't what it was for then, and it's not what it's for now, when politicians who know that perfectly well but want to make splashy statements advocate Constitutional amendments about marriage.

The issue at stake when that kind of amendment is proposed has nothing to do with marriage or even politics. It has to do with our system of government, with a 200+ year old document that was created for a very specific purpose and that has served that purpose for generations with very few amendments. It's not a place to make law, and it was never meant to be. It's not something we want to clutter up with amendments repealing other amendments and qualifying other amendments and adjusting amendments to amendments. It's the framework of our government. Let's leave it alone unless we want to make structural changes.

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What's Wrong With Men?

2008-01-28T16:28:00.000-08:00

I know, I know.

But someone searched this. Seriously.

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Does Writing Really Help You Remember?

2008-01-12T08:45:00.000-08:00

Yes.

That said, I can think of at least three different things this question might mean. Fortunately, the answer to each is the same--at least in the short form. It does, or at least it can.

If you mean, "Will writing something down soon after the fact help you remember it later?" my experience definitely says yes. I was an avid journaler from the age of nine into my twenties, and I definitely find that reading my old journals brings back memories--not just flat stories that I can remember happening, but actual visual, experiential memories. Whether or not the act of recording itself helps afix something in your mind, I'm not certain. But it seems likely, because of the second kind of writing to remember that springs to mind--the kind you do when you're studying or trying to memorize a speech. Recreating your notes or reformatting them into an outline is a great way to help information seep into your brain and take hold.

The third possible meaning is a bit different (and I'm a bit less certain about the answer), but I still think the answer is yes. That's writing to remember something that you've already forgotten. For instance, can journaling help one to recall childhood incidents that have been buried, or just plain slipped away? Can writing down as much detail as you DO recall about a crime or an accident help to recreate the scene in your mind in order to fill in the blanks? I think so. And I think psychologists think so.

Which brings us right back to where we began. Does writing really help you remember? Yes, it can.

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What is the French Word for White?

2008-01-12T08:11:00.000-08:00

Blanc or blanche, depending upon whether the noun modified is masculine or feminine. This seems to be a fairly pressing issue out there, since I've gotten about a dozen unique hits to RockStories on variations of this question over the past couple of weeks. The only single question that brings more traffic is "5000 words is how many pages?"

This seems like a good opportunity to once again offer a few tips on effective web searching. You see, it's very unlikely that a web page that offers the answer to this question will contain the text "What is the French word for white?", yet when you enter that text, that's what Google (or Yahoo, or MSN, or whomever you've chosen to use) goes looking for. In fact, it's likely that there are very few web pages anywhere in the world that use the phrase "What is the French word for white?" That may be why the people asking this question keep landing on my writing blog, which does NOT contain the answer to their question (but which does contain a post that uses both the phrase "french word" and the word "white").

I just searched the phrase "is the french word for white" (in quotes) and turned up numerous useful responses. Because, after all, that EXACT PHRASE is part of the sentence, "Blanc is the French word for white," and THAT'S the sentence we were looking for.

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What Does the Catechism of the Catholic Church Say that Dogs Go to Heaven?

2008-01-12T08:03:00.000-08:00

The Catholic church (like, I believe, all mainstream Christian religions) teaches that only human beings have immortal souls. The Catechism says "Of all visible creatutes only man is 'able to know and love his creator.' He is 'the only creature on earth that God has willed for its own sake,' and he alone is called to share, by knowledge and love, in God's own life. It was for this end that he was created and this is the fundamental reason for this dignity." (356)

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Do You Have to Know How to Write Good to Blog?

2008-01-12T07:38:00.000-08:00

I found this post over at Wingnut SEO; it's definitely in the spirit of this blog, both in that the question was pulled from search stats and in the tone of the answer, which is both tongue-in-cheek and factual at the same time. Check it out: Do You Have to Know How to Write Good to Blog?

Another adventage to posting this link: Wingnut said s/he wasn't in the top 50 search results for this term, but now that s/he's used that phrase in a post title and I've used it in a text link, that may all change. And you all know how I enjoy random search traffic outcomes.

What's wrong with Cinderella, anyone?

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What's Wrong With My Body?

2007-12-19T21:12:00.000-08:00

After getting a dozen or so hits from various search engines on this phrase over a 24-hour period, I toyed with a few responses.

There are, after all, some assumptions we can make--particularly since they were all coming from the United States. I considered simply guessing: You eat too much processed food and you don't get enough exercise.

I actually thought, though, that these searchers were looking for something specific. Maybe there was a book out by that name, or they were looking for a particular website. It seemed too strange that suddenly multiple people were searching EXACTLY that phrase. They clumped up in my search results, too, one right after another.

I'd speculated about this a bit and not quite decided how to respond when I happened to carry some laundry into the living room last night at just the right moment. "Just the right moment", in this case, was the moment during which my daughter was watching television and Drake of Drake & Josh woke up with green hands. Josh ran to look up the condition on the Internet and voila! Drake said incredulously, "WhatsWrongWithMyBody.com?"

"Yeah," Josh said. "I have it bookmarked."

Guys. They made it up. The URL, as you might expect, redirects to nick.com. And when that doesn't work out...well...I guess we go to Google.

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Should You Work for Free?

2007-12-09T11:42:00.001-08:00

The answer to this question (like so many others) is a resounding and heartfelt, "It depends." I'm very firm on this.

This question arises frequently in the professional writing world. Established writers, as a rule, want to discourage new writers from writing for free because it might hurt the market rates those established writers command. That's wrong. A new writer's focus needs to be on her career, not the good of the industry; let that burden fall to those of us who are already making a living.

I'm a firm believer that for some writers in some circumstances, there are very good reasons to write for "free". I expect that the same general principles apply in other fields.

That said, I think that most of the people currently writing for free aren't getting much (if any) mileage out of it, because they don't have clear strategies or a clear understanding of how that writing will move them to the next step. Getting "clips" or "exposure" or "links" in a general sense is very unlikely to pay off; if you're writing for "free", make sure you know exactly what you're getting in return and exactly how it will help take you to the next level.

Can Middle Schoolers Get Pregnant?

2007-12-02T00:22:00.001-08:00

I know this blog is pretty new for me to be recycling posts, but I think I'm compelled by basic common sense to re-use the answer here that I set forth in my response to "Can You Rape a Prostitute?"

Yes, but you shouldn't.

Of course, any girl who has reached puberty and has a normally functioning reproductive system can get pregnant. The really big news is, if you time it just right you can actually manage to get pregnant BEFORE YOU'VE EVER MENSTRUATED. Yep, it's true. It's pretty rare, but menstruation is something that happens to clear out the unused eggs at the end of a cycle, so it isn't going to start until a couple of weeks AFTER you start being fertile.

Let me back up, though. If this is a question you have to ask, you are NOWHERE NEAR ready to be considering sex.

Wondering what the heck this is all about? Visit What's This Blog All About, Anyway?

Why are Books Memorable?

2007-11-24T11:45:00.000-08:00

This one, of course, came from my RockStories writing blog and landed to my post explaining why I couldn't answer the question, "What the best book you've ever read?" I'm not sure whether the question is about why we generally remember books or what makes a particular book memorable, but I'm partial to the second interpretation--so partial that I've been looking forward to answering this question since I first noticed it in my search results more than a week ago.

Before I do, though, I have to say that the answer is undoubtedly different for everyone. I've been bored to tears by books that I know have a lot of objective merit (Tolkein, anyone?) and know that some very discerning readers just can't see what keeps me going back to re-read The Sun Also Rises every couple of years. Reasonable opinions may vary.

For me, though, the thing that makes a book significant is that it brings something to my attention that I hadn't thought about before. Usually that's not a revolutionary change, a kind of "Wow, I've been looking at this all wrong!" kind of epiphany, but a matter of being consciously confronted with something that is obviously true once it's been placed before us, but that we hadn't ever acknowledged before--or perhaps consciously noticed at all.

Recently, for instance, I was reading Jon Hassler's North of Hope, and I ran across a passage in which the housekeeper in a rectory suggests that an aging priest has lost his mind because he claims to have seen an angel. "Don't you believe in angels?" another priest asks her. She says that she does, but that believing in them and seeing them are two different things, and that's what sets Christians apart from lunatics.

When I read that passage, I laughed out loud, as I often do when surprised by obvious truth. Isn't that the common view, though it's not always spoken aloud (or perhaps even understood in so many words)? Isn't the world full of people who believe in angels, but would never in a million years believe that you'd seen one? And did you ever really think about the fact that they were the same people, until you read these words? I didn't, until I read Hassler's words.

The great thing is that these revelations can come from anywhere, be found in any kind of book, and don't require great literary prowess or National Book Awards. And once we've tripped over one, our thinking never quite snaps back to exactly where it was before. That, I think, is what makes a book memorable--one's just reading along, carefree as can be, and BOOM: for the rest of your life you know something, or see something, that you didn't know or see before.

My old dog won't eat; is she dying?

2007-11-18T09:52:00.000-08:00

This isn't mine. I stole this search term from a friend, whose blog is largely focused on parenting and knitting (Google--could we have a word about your discernment process?) As she so aptly pointed out, a dog who doesn't eat WILL die, even if the loss of appetite wasn't a symptom of impending death. Thus, it's not something to be ignored.

She also pointed out that when her old dog wouldn't eat, the vet suggested that she change up her diet a bit, and lo and behold--home cooked meals did the trick. But loss of appetite can also indicate serious medical issues, and your vet is really the best source of information about this.

That said, I want to add a word about searching the Internet. Even if the Internet was the best source of this information, this search string was doomed to fail. Remember, Google returns search results in large part based on a match-up of the words you typed into the search box with the words on the page it returns (excluding "stop words" like "the"). It's common for people searching for information on the web to type in questions like the one above, but it's generally not very effective: if you were writing a veterinary information site, would you write "my old dog won't eat, is she dying?" on the page? Probably not--unless you were a savvy search engine marketer.

Thus, the question above turns up a knitting / parenting blog where the author has talked a bit about her concerns about her old dog, while a search for: dog symptoms loss of appetite turns up pages of veterinary information about various medical conditions that can cause dogs to lose their appetites, warning signs, and what you should do. In short, when you're looking for information on the Internet, don't type in the question you want answered--type in the key words you'd expect to find in the answer, or that you'd put in a heading if you were writing the answer.

Is it better to be Catholic or get a divorce?

2007-11-18T09:44:00.001-08:00

I'm not sure that I understand this question, because they're not mutually exclusive. The Bible says that anyone who divorces and remarries commits adultery, and so one can't be a fully practicing Catholic if one has divorced and remarried without receiving a declaration of nullity from the church. But the simple act of getting a divorce, while discouraged, isn't a bar to practicing Catholism--to oversimplify a bit, it's simply disregarded. A civil divorce doesn't impact your obligations based on the vows you took before God, so in the eyes of the church, you're still married.

If I Died, Who Would Care?

2007-11-18T09:33:00.000-08:00

My first inclination was to say that no one could hope to find the answer to this question through a search engine, because the answer was unique and personal for every one of us. But even as I set out to write that, I realized that it wasn't entirely true; I think that the fundamental answer is the same for each and every one of us.

Here it is: You'd be surprised.

It's pretty easy, in day-to-day life, to take the people around us for granted. It's also easy to give the impression of taking them for granted even when we don't, or to assume that people know the small differences they make in our lives even when we don't mention them--or that they have plenty of other, closer people to affirm them and don't really need to hear from us. It might even be a little intrusive.

But all those people who aren't saying anything for whatever myriad reasons make sense are still there. Friends you haven't talked to in months, or maybe even years, but who know you're out there and value that even if time and life carry them in different directions; the customer who comes into your store three days a week and counts on the extra moment or two you take to chat with her because she's alone most of the time; the person yet unmet whose life you might change entirely.

Someone. That's the answer. It might be someone you overlook, someone you never thought of, someone you've forgotten, someone you don't yet know well. But if you died, it would change someone's life, and not for the better.

What's the Side Affects [sic] of Putting the Condom on Wrong and Still Having Sex?

2007-11-04T11:23:00.001-08:00

Pregnancy.

Oh, and STDs. Possibly AIDS.

Or maybe none of those things. It's a gamble, just like unprotected sex.

10 Year Old Boy Keeps Having Headaches, What's Wrong?

2007-11-02T16:28:00.001-07:00

I don't know.

Neither does Google.

Take this child to the doctor, please.

Can You Rape a Prostitute?

2007-11-02T13:04:00.000-07:00

Yes, but you shouldn't.

This is a reasonable question in the view of the fact that a judge in Pennsylvania recently ruled that raping (oops, sorry, forcing a prostitute to perform sex acts at gunpoint) was mere theft of services. Armed robbery, if you will.

In truth, what's the argument? That prostitutes regularly consent to sex, so they're deemed ALWAYS to have consented, in all circumstances?

That's a pretty slippery slope, don't you think?

How Long Have Smarties Candies Been Around?

2007-11-01T19:37:00.000-07:00

Wow.

You have no idea what kind of can of worms you've opened with this one.

The answer is....

IT DEPENDS.

You see, "Smarties" is actually the name attached to two very different candies, and feelings run strong about each.

The real Smarties are disc shaped, concave, and pastel. They come in clear cellophane rolls. The company that makes real Smarties was founded in 1932 and came to American in 1949.

Fake Smarties were introduced by Rowntree in 1937 and acquired by Nestle about fifteen years ago. They are chocolate, and bear a very close resemblance to M & Ms, except that they do not have "M" printed on them. In Canada, where the fake Smarties are considered the real Smarties, real Smarties are called Rockets.

Please note that the classification of Smarties in this post has been entirely objective.

5000 Words is How Many Pages?

2007-11-01T17:44:00.001-07:00

There's some variance, of course, based on font, spacing and margins. However, the typical double-spaced page with one-inch margins will contain between 250 and 300 words. So, 5,000 words is approximately 20 double-spaced pages.

Looking for more writing, editing, freelancing and publishing information? Visit my writing blog.

Would People Die if Bees Die?

2007-11-01T17:41:00.001-07:00

Probably.

Is Ann Coulter a Transvestite?

2007-11-01T17:26:00.000-07:00

Okay, I have to cop to the fact that I know exactly what caused this search string to land a visitor to my blog today. It was my post from last March entitled "Ann Coulter...What the Hell?" In that post, I suggested than Ann Coulter LOOKED like a transvestite. It wasn't by any means the focus of the post, and given that there must be hundreds of thousands (if not millions) of other people who have noticed that Ann Coulter looks like a transvestite, it does surprise me a bit that my 7-month-old post with only one paragraph about Ann Coulter's looks is still coming up on the second page of search results...but there it is. At least I know how in the heck this one happened.

The thing is, I don't know the answer.

I suspect that Ann Coulter is NOT a transvestite, and is instead merely an unfortunate looking woman. The potential poetic irony is tempting, I'll admit--and I have to think it wasn't an Ann Coulter supporter running this search--but I think it's a red herring. Or at least, last week I would have thought it was a red herring--this week I learned that no one knows what red herring means and we're not supposed to use that phrase anymore.

Whatever we want to call it, here's the point: Ann Coulter doesn't use logic. She doesn't make sense. She defies reason. That said, it doesn't make a lick of difference whether she's a woman who just happens to look like a man, a man trying to look like a woman, or a monkey trying to look like a human. As a political commentator, she's a wash. Stop worrying about what's under her clothes--what's coming out of her mouth is really all the ammo you need.

How Bad is it To Get Married Outside the Catholic Church?

2007-11-01T06:53:00.001-07:00

I'm going to assume that the person conducting this church was either Catholic or considering marrying a Catholic. Otherwise, the answer is quick and easy--it's not bad at all! No worries!

The thing that really intrigued me about this search was that it didn't land the visitor to my Catholic Blog, which gets a lot of traffic on Catholic marriage and Catholic divorce related strings. No, this one led to What's Wrong Around Us?, where there is exactly one post referencing the fact that a lot of Catholics get married outside the church because they don't want to jump through the hoops. That single post--from last March--is buried among rape cases, punitive damages issues, speculation about why the bees are disappearing, a few objections to the world of SpongeBob Squarepants, a note about buying on ebay, and a very popular post on birth control for middle schoolers. (Note to Google: This process may need a little refining.)

But I digress.

"How bad is it to get married outside the Catholic church?"

If you care enough to ask this question, it's about as bad as it gets. If you've been baptized Catholic and are married outside the church without permission, the marriage is invalid in the eyes of the church. Living with your spouse in an invalid marriage has the same ramifications as living with someone OUTSIDE of marriage. You can't make a good confession as long as the situation continues and you haven't resolved to change it. You can't take communion.

If a technicality is the only problem--that is, if you just CHOSE to get married outside the church or did it in a hurry and there was no reason that you couldn't have been married within the church, you can probably get your marriage "regularized" and blessed by the church--talk to your priest. If there was an impediment to the marriage, like a prior marriage of one of the spouses, that will have to be resolved before the marriage can be recognized.

What's Wrong with Cinderella?

2007-10-31T20:52:00.001-07:00

Just this week, someone visited What's Wrong Around Us? on the search phrase, "What's wrong with Cinderella?" I'm pretty sure the question related to Cinderella the character, not Cinderella the story. Tough. I can't be sure, so I'm going with what I've got.

Suzy Bogguss had a song fifteen or twenty years ago that challenged Cinderella...seemed to indicate that maybe happily ever after wasn't quite so happy after all and wanted to know what happened next.

A valid question, perhaps, but it PALES IN COMPARISON to the real issue with the Cinderella story. The true, absolute, unavoidable sticking point that brings our suspension of disbelief screeching to a halt and proves that fairy tales are just a lot of hogwash cooked up by wicked stepmothers who wanted to terrorize children into doing their chores.

Here it is.

(Are you ready?)

Why didn't the glass slipper disappear?

Midnight arrived. The clock struck. The carriage turned back into a pumpkin. The footmen turned back into mice. Cinderella's beautiful ball gown turned back into rags. The horse turned back into a dog and the driver turned back into a horse and Cinderella's split ends returned and...the glass slipper lay patiently on the palace steps, waiting for the Prince to find it.

A momentary delay? It was, perhaps, the last to turn? But no. Cinderella slips one into her pocket and the...whatever-you-call-that-guy-who-works-for-the-King...carries the other around the kingdom trying it on various women (because the Prince can't remember what Cinderella LOOKED like or anything, apparently--just her shoe size).

Because I Must Make Sense of Everything, I came up with a theory.

My theory is that the glass slipper remained after midnight because it was wholly created. Every other item was transformed from something else, but Cinderella was BAREFOOT. The glass slippers were conjured out of thin air, and thus had nothing to turn back into at midnight. Sure, they could have vanished, but they were in a slightly different position than the other items, and it MIGHT make sense.

But then why didn't they tell us that?

The Cinderella story is hundreds of years old...am I the only person ever bothered by this? Has no modern author adapting the story or Disney producer thought, "Wait...we should explain that!" Just me? Well, maybe so.

But that's what's wrong with Cinderella, for real. It's much more serious than the suspect nature of the whole "happily ever after" thing.